Parenting Styles: Narcissistic Parents
I was browsing the internet one day as I was deciding what I should write my monthly blog on and the idea of parenting style came into my mind. Of particular interest to me pertains is narcissistic parenting. As such, I decided to interview a volunteer, who would like to remain anonymous about her own experiences of coping with a parent who is a narcissist.
The breakdown follows the 10 signs of a Narcissistic Parent, which was published in 2016 in Psychology Today. Below is the response I received from an individual, who I will credit her valuable experiences via with the initial (E.Z) I interviewed:
Background of E.Z
She was born and raised in Southeast Asia. The parent she discussed in her interview was her mother: I think it's worthwhile to note that my siblings and I have a large age gap. My sister and I are over 10 years apart, and my brother and I are over 5 years apart. growing up, I sort of witnessed my mum transition from a "physical" tiger mum to a "mental" tiger mum. the most vivid memory I have of my mum is in kindergarten, where I was crying (I think it was my first week in kindergarten?) and the teacher called her. my mum pulled me out of class into an empty classroom and slapped me, warned me to stop crying. but as I grew older, she became less physical with me, but was verbally and mentally abusive. the most vivid memory I have of my mum is in kindergarten, where I was crying (i think it was my first week in kindergarten?) and the teacher called her. my mum pulled me out of class into an empty classroom and slapped me, warned me to stop crying. but as I grew older, she became less physical with me, but was verbally and mentally abusive. she would say things like "if I died all of you wouldn't be able to survive" and " none of you contribute to the family, I have to do everything, none of you care." and "i have been supporting this family all on my own because your father is a failure of a man". I’ve noticed that she victimizes herself at every opportunity she gets. The most recent incident being last month when i got into a major accident. Io illustrate how bad it was: [image depicts a vehicle flipped upside down with car parts scattered].
While I was lying in the ER waiting to get a chest x-ray done 6 hours after the accident, she said things like "I already told you not to go out and you never listen to me" "I’m old, you can't keep doing these things to scare me, I can't take it" "do you know how worried I was?" "do you know how lucky you are to be alive". She also kept suggesting that I was speeding, which is not true. I was going at 40km/h because I was curving up a ramp. then one Saturday, things blew up. she called me selfish, and that I didn't care what other people feel. she said that I don't even realise how much she does for me, and how bad she feels after the accident, how she has been unable to sleep. she said that I only live for myself and am very selfish. regarding what I meant by "mental" tiger mum, she was rather manipulative. she didn't need to put a password on the tv or give me designated phone time. I did it to myself. When I got together with my ex-boyfriend, she was very invested and I thought there was no harm in sharing. I told her too much I think, because she would plant stuff in my head like he's cheating on me or he doesn't love me enough and whatnot. after we broke up, she was so salty about it, and she would constantly bring him up. I kept telling her that it doesn't matter now because we've broken up. when I was in the hospital to treat my concussion after the accident, she called my ex without my consent to tell him about the accident. then they texted a bit, and she weaved a story out that's worthy of a drama spinoff. she painted me to be the heartbroken victim, only locking myself in my room to study. when I confronted her about it and asked her why she did it, she said she wanted to see his reaction
1. Uses/Lives through own child
Yes. even now, she wants me to dress a certain way and put on makeup, even though I don't feel comfortable with makeup on. She also wants me to want things that she wants, such as designer clothing/bags and jewelry, even though I'm more minimalistic and prefer less flashy clothes.
2. Marginalization
My mother would say things like "there are people out there who are much better than you" which is true, but not very encouraging. There was once in high school where I got the highest grade in English in the whole year, but she threw all my test papers in the trash because I got 69/100 for English. It's not good enough for her, even though it was the best in school. She also sees my mental health issues as my inability to adapt to the "adult world", and would say that I'm spoiled and babied.
3. Grandiosity and Superiority
My mother told me that I am an investment… many times. She said that if anything happened to me she would lose out on her biggest investment. She also paints herself as the only person everyone needs because she owns her own shop. She often says that I now have an education because she insisted that I have an education.
4. Superficial Image
She presents herself as selfless and loving in front of people. but behind closed doors, she would talk about the very people she is trying to impress. She would want to do things for people she doesn't even like, for the sole purpose of "using them when I need to in the future". She would often compare her own beauty with others (she is in the health and beauty industry). When people shower her with compliments about her physical beauty she will act bashful but internally she loves the attention. When people compliment about us (studies or work), she would often credit herself, said that she had sacrificed so much for us and that she has put in so much effort, suggesting that her effort is the sole reason for our accomplishments.
5. Manipulation
Guilt tripping, constantly. She would insist that she does the chore, even if we offer to help, and then tell us how much
her bones ache. There were times where she would even guilt trip me about spending more time to study than being
with her. Blaming, yes? But not outright. Sort of like "the reason I'm still in this situation is because of you all". Shaming,
oh yeah, especially when it comes to my illnesses. It's not something "flauntable" like cancer where she can garner
sympathy. It's depression, and diabetes. It's frowned upon. She tells me that I should never tell my future partner that I
have these illnesses because then he would never love me, because I would be a burden. Negative comparison,
sometimes. when I was being treated for my depression and anxiety in high school, she would often ask me why is it
taking so long for me to recover. She would compare it to my brother who "recovered in 3 months". She would
sometimes talk about my brother, about how he suffered oversea and survived on 10 pounds a week to save money.
Meanwhile the money he used to study oversea was actually my college fund because my brother told my parents
that he didn't want to study. In the end, he did his final semester oversea, and extended another year to do his
Masters. So yeah, he's the master’s holder now and "the most educated one in the family". unreasonable pressure,
okay this is more of the "manipulating me to do it myself" kind of thing. she would say things like "if anything happened
to you, you would only be disappointing yourself"
6. Inflexible and Touchy
She wants things done a certain way. She once yelled at me for using a different pot to boil my egg. She also wants the
house cleaned a certain way. and also, must eat bread for breakfast. I remember once during quarantine, she yelled at
my brother and I because she didn't have bread to eat. She could've gone out to buy it herself, since my brother was busy
working and I was in class the whole day. But nah. yelled at us, saying that we can't even do one simple thing for her when
she does so much for us.
7. Lack of Empathy
When I share about how I feel, she would always tell me that she/someone else had it worse. Also, when I shared that I was
having recurring nightmares of falling off a building, she told me to go jump off a building. So that says plenty about her
lack of empathy
8. Dependency
My mum depends on me for many things. At home, I do the wet laundry, clean the floor, cook, fix things around the house,
pay the bills on time (she pays me back), used to do the groceries before the accident, fixing all her gadgets and the tv, pay her shop rent and her supplier, do online bank transfers for her even though the app is right there on her phone. I also act as her “punching bag” whether it’s about work or her family or my dad. Usually my dad. She would tell me about how he never supported the family etc.
9. Jealousy and Possessiveness
When I was with my ex, she would often get jealous, say things like I have no space in my heart for her anymore. One time, she got angry at me and ignored me for a day because I defended my ex when she accused him of cheating. I just asked her, "why do you always think he's cheating on me?" she didn't talk to me for a day, because I "yell at my own mother to defend a man".
10. Neglect
I wouldn’t say she is neglectful. Rather, she is more of a helicopter parent, to the point that I hide my posts on social media from her. I posted about BLM and police brutality in Southeast Asia and she told me not to post about it. I hid my Instagram story from her and she would tell me every other week that I blocked her. so yeah.
References:
Ni, P (2016). 10 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent. Obtained on September 17, 2020 from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent?fbclid=IwAR24TaHDbP7BIbAhQn6FVLSNkffymK2ThSV4Frlkj-RPz3jMKmSkWJYxXl0