Psychological hesitation behind saying “No”
Have you ever encountered a time where you had great difficulty saying no to someone because you didn’t want to come across as rude, non-compliant or simply afraid of hurting someone’s feeling? I decided to start my first of many blogs to come on this topic because I would like to think this as one that many of us are able to relate to. Having interacted with a number of individuals in both my professional and personal life, it isn’t uncommon for me to hear the following scenarios and reactions:
“Whether I’m being approached by sales associates in malls or receiving unwanted phone calls soliciting me to purchase their products or services, sometimes, I’ll just lie and tell them I already have it so they can stop calling me.”
“I really enjoy helping people and I always put others’ needs before my own. A lot of the time, I don’t even realize I’m putting my needs in the back burner until I’m burnt out or others point it out to me.”
So why is saying No so difficult?
1. Fear of hurting someone’s feeling or perceived negatively
Chances are, when someone asks something of you, they are hoping you’d say yes, right? On the one hand, having perseverance can indeed be an admirable trait, but it is also important that you evaluate your own needs. The need to say no to others can be very much uncomfortable, but saying no does not need to be done in an impolite or in an offensive manner. It is important to be able to distinguish between being assertive and responding in an offensive or rude way.
2. Fear of Rejection
Rejection hurts, literally. Researchers have found that the pain of being rejected activates the same cortical region as when we experience physical pain. By nature, humans are social beings and naturally, we consistently strive to belong. That being said, if the need to belong is threatened, it adds to our emotional pain as the sense of feeling unwanted or unloved and lack of self-worth are heightened.
3. Fear of Poor Decision-Making and Regret
The big “What if…”. This feeling of uncertainty may lead to procrastination at times. Think for a moment the situations here: Imagine you have been applying to jobs for over a year without success when suddenly, you received two wonderful job offers. As always, your prospective employers set a deadline for you as to when they can expect your acceptance of the offer. The first job offer is for a small business company with a close knitted group of colleagues and a decent salary package. The second job offer is a unionized position with great pension and close to home. Which one will you opt for if you are passionate for both positions? Decisions such as the example provided herein and many other ones we come across in life can be challenging to simply select one or the other. It is particularly difficult when knowing once a decision is made, we may never return to the other option. As much as the fear of making a poor decision can be intimidating, but many times, so does the fear of regret.
4. Conditioned to say yes
Habit. Familiarity. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. If one has been conditioned to say yes and people please throughout most of their life, the need or thought of saying no can be daunting. Many times, as saying yes has since developed into a habit or pattern, the word “yes” itself might be self-reinforcing to the individual. At times, the process of saying yes might simply slip past one’s conscious effort.
Learning to evaluate when to say No
Understand the difference in saying “No” assertively versus rudely
We often hear the word assertive a lot – but what exactly does it mean? In brief, being assertive means being able to express yourself effectively while also respecting the rights and views of others. One can say no to others while maintaining politeness such as saying “Thank you for asking” or simply “No, thank you”.
Evaluate and Check-in with your priorities and current capacity
It is important to ask yourself if you are neglecting your own needs at the price of pleasing others. If you say yes, what are the sacrifices you are making and how much of an impact could your decision of not saying no has on your psychological and physical well-being? Emotionally, will you be dealing with regret, guilt or resentment in the long term?
Is compromisation an option?
It can be anxiety-provoking when you have to say no to a request or decision knowing the likelihood of being able to reverse your choice can be unlikely. That being said, compromisation may be an option depending on the situation. For example, picture the following scenario: You have three projects on hand, all of which are important. Unexpectedly, your boss had just approached you and inform you he/she now requires you to submit another new project by the end of the week. What can you do in this situation? In such situation, saying no may not yield a very favorable result, however, one may acknowledge the urgency of the new project while reminding your boss of other projects you have on hand to determine if compromisation is possible.
Tips for saying No
Be direct in an assertive manner – “No, Thank You”
Try to minimize excuses or elaborate explanations
Avoid lying – as doing so will many times result in guilt after
Ask yourself if saying yes will make you question your decision later
Practice saying no to minor tasks or requests first to allow yourself to build up the comfort and need to say No sometimes
Weigh the pros and cons of saying No versus Yes
Understand that by saying No sometimes does not mean you are rejecting the individual, but rather, the request they are proposing